Devlog 24.49

I am in trouble.

I am perilously close to release and I am overcome with a mix of anger, fear, and sadness. I don't actually know how much more work it will take before the alpha release because I can't focus long enough to estimate it. I have been here before. I am "pre-grieving" the end of a project.

Even though this isn't the end of the project, it's the end of the beginning of the project. I'll move from "hacking together a framework" to "properly developing a game." And it has me terrified.

I should probably admit at this point that I suffer, and am receiving treatment for, several different mental health disorders, mostly in the anxiety and depression sphere. My anxiety gives me migraines and crippling nausea and my depression leaves me sobbing and bedridden. None of which is particularly conducive to software development.

I have been "going it alone" for much of the project's development thus far, and I know this is one of the more difficult hurdles for me to clear. It requires that I both have and rely on external support (external to myself), and that I maintain my health such that I can focus, work, and move beyond it to the next phase.

I have attached an image of what I worked on the last couple weeks: a drag-and-drop interface for dice rolling & assignment which will be needed for the final phase of character creation. It will also be the 'bones' of an encounter system but that will take longer to explain and I have an appointment with a therapist to leave for in a minute.

I need help. Not software or game development help, I have that part covered. Not mental or physical health help, I have that taken care of--no, I need someone else to care about what I'm doing. This is the part where I would be making gamedev videos or blogging or doing interviews or something to promote my game but I am just. So. Tired. I need to focus, I need to work. And I need help.